New plan. My parents got me an iPod for graduation (I know it was like 4 months ago, but whatever) and I now have an app for counting calories. It's super easy and I really like it because it also says different nutrients. I'll probably post weekly summaries.
So anyway, I punched in how much I want to lose and how fast and it calculated the number of calories I can eat in a day, which is about 1250 (and I can eat more on days that I work out, which is most days). I started this last thursday, and have lost 2lbs so far. I'm pretty sure it's not even water weight because yesterday I drank like 4 L of water after waking up dehydrated.
Friday I drank too much, and then Saturday I was all sick and anxious and dehydrated and Sunday I was still dehydrated so I drank as much water as possible.
Lesson for the kids out there: dehydration is a main cause of passing out, and making you feel shitty. So drink lots of water (2L/day, more if you work out or its hot) even if you don't like feeling full. Better full of water than food, because at least it has no calories.
I think I am going to quit drinking. Not that I drink much in the first place, but I just think it has a very negative effect on me (besides the obvious). It seems to make me anxious and depressed. Or that could be because of this other thing that happened...
Warning: Drunken story ahead, could get graphic / triggering to abuse survivors (Skip to the next big space if you want)
So me and my friend (who, for the purposes of this story I'll call Ruth) were sitting and talking, at the bar. Ruth used to date my brother but they broke up in February. They still see each other all the time. Whenever Ruth and I drink together, she tells me various things about him that nobody really needs to know about their big brother. She thinks I won't remember.
So anyway, we were talking about boys, specifically how she and him are friends with benefits. Then she asked, "So were you and psycho abusive ex ever friends with benefits?"
I am walking down the street, not quite sure where I am, and then I recognize the house in front of me. I don't want to go in there but my feet have a mind of their own.
"How are your classes?" Ruth sounds far off. My eyes aren't seeing the darkened room full of pool tables and laughing people anymore.
I just went to his house to get some stuff back after the break up. He asked me to come in and talk for a while and we ended up in his room. And then he was on top of me.
I was going to go into more details, but changed my mind. My roommate/ bestest most awesome favourite person on the planet came back from buying drinks and when I got back to the bar she was sitting in front of me talking, to me and trying to cheer me up.
The rest of the night was pretty good, but I have never had a flashback like that before and it was scary. I blame being drunk, because normally I have just little flashbacks that I can stop before they get bad. I am scared to sleep now, but I think it might be getting better.
Last night, I stayed up as late as I could watching Rookie Blue, but I had to sleep sometime. And I ended up crying. Almost cut myself. In all honesty, there was more than one time this weekend that I wanted to cut. I didn't though. I occupied my mind. I just rode it out and cried. It would have been easier to just cut, but I'm glad I didn't.
I do have 2 plans though, for next time. Part is only to be put in play if people are pressuring me to drink (because some of my friends do) and I'll probably alternate between the two plans, depending how well Plan B works (as far as next day anxiety and nightmares goes).
Plan A: No drinking at all. If drinking games get played, mix some juice or something and act like you're drinking, but still keep it to two drinks to keep calories low.
Plan B: Get only mildly drunk. Have a shot or two at home, then max one drink at the bar. Same thing for drinking games.
Benefits of not drinking/ only drinking a little: Save money and calories, less chance of getting date raped etc, not feeling crappy the next day, no stomach pain, more alert and less clumsy at the bar, feeling good about myself?
Take care and stay strong!
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