Numbers Update

So this is what my first week looked like! Well actually only like the first three days of this plan, but you get the idea. I'd just like to point out that the 23 was so high because I was drinking, and that's also why there was so much fat and salt on Saturday (hangover food). For future reference, eating junk like that doesn't make your hangover better...

i have been sick lately and not sleeping. Sometimes, I miss my psycho ex, and I can only remember the good times. Like when he made me a cake for my birthday, and the time I was scared and alone at night, so he walked to my apartment. I said I would walk half way and meet him, but he lied about when he was leaving so he could meet me in the parking lot so I wouldn't have to walk alone in the dark. The way he was playful and laughed at my jokes. How we knew each other so well, and I could act like an idiot around him and not feel self conscious... I hate myself for missing him.

I guess I just have to try to remember the bad times too, like when I was sick and he said he'd come over and make me soup and cuddle and take care of me. Then after I took a bunch of cold medicine and was all drowsy he took advantage of me. Or the several times he almost broke my nose. The times he over reacted to something little that I did, or made fun of me or called me names. The times he didn't listen when I said no. All the times he said he was going to kill himself and everything was my fault.

I know the bad times outweigh the good.  I know it's not really him I miss, just the role in my life that he filled, of best friend and boyfriend. It's the illusion of having that relationship. It's so much easier to think that maybe I just have mood swings, that the problem was me than to think that he was abusive and I let it go on for that long. To think that someone I trusted so much betrayed me so deeply.

I am still scared to go to sleep, but I have been watching Rookie Blue, which by the way is a great show. Plus, it's in Canada, which makes me happy.

I haven't heard back from the police yet. Not sure how to feel about this but I guess I will call them on reading week (two weeks from now) when I am home.

Take care and good luck!