Hi.
So... I just want to say thanks to ednos Linny and Live And Love for your comments :) I might be around more, once I get the new blogger figured out. Right now I don't really like it lol.
The plan has changed again, but only a little. I'm still trying for more protein, and aiming for 1200 calories. Been eating a lot of salad and kale and other leafy green low calorie things and have trouble hitting 1200 but I know that is just a recipe for a binge so I'm trying.
The number on the scale hasn't changed in a long time, but I feel huge. I think the mirror in my bathroom (it came with the house) makes me look fatter than I actually am. I used to think I wasn't fat, but just not skinny enough and am the same size (my clothes fit and weight is the same) as before but I feel ginormous! Can that happen? Mirrors making you look different? Or am I just getting a little crazy?
In other news... I am really struggling with not cutting. I think about it a lot but still have managed to resist. There were a few close calls though.
My dad emailed me today. He gets free counselling (and for the whole family) through work. So that he's telling me this makes me think that
a) I suck at faking being alright
b) I should maybe go to counselling.
Except it didn't help last time because you have to be able to talk about your problems, which I can't (hence the anonymous blog) (Side rant: Being anonymous is pretty awesome. I can just be open and write about any and all problems without worrying what people think of me, because even if someone starts being all hateful or something, I can just leave. Start a new blog if I want, get a new name and URL. See what I mean about commitment issues? :)  )
Anyway. I think I am also... not "sick enough". I don't have an eating disorder. I don't cut myself anymore. Yeah, I can hardly make eye contact with anyone and yeah I am a bit of a mess sometimes but what is talking to a stranger going to help? I know lots of other people who would love to have access to free counselling and part of me just wants to say, suck it up! and go. But what am I supposed to talk about? What happened to me wasn't that bad, at least the cops didn't think so. And I've realized that a lot of people don't say the right things when it comes to abusive relationships. Also... I don't even have nightmares anymore, not about him anyway. I don't usually have flashbacks anymore. Aside from thinking I'm fat, (like obese fat rather than the chubby that I actually am) I don't really think I have any issues. I think it would be like last time: Go to counselling, pretend I am ok, go home and cry and cut. Which would be a step down from where I am now.
I think what it boils down to is this: I don't want to talk about what happened.
The fact that my dad emailing me was so upsetting, is maybe a sign that I should try to get help, but really, what can a counsellor do for me? I think this is one of those things a person has to deal with alone or not at all.
The last time I went to see the counsellor at college is still stuck in my head. I think it was Saint Patrick's Day. I had woken up that morning at 138 (which I would love to be right now, but was decent then too) and was happy because of that. I was well into bulimia and cutting (which I didn't tell her about) and I recall faking my way through the interview and she was like, "You know what? I think you're really going to be ok now." I did quit bulimia a few months later (and it took a few months to quit)... but I don't think it counts as recovery if you stop binging and purging so you can lose weight.
That's all for now. Take care  <3