It's so hard to be honest on this blog now. I feel like I should pretend to be ok. Or at least write about something funny.
So first, a story about a coworker. She told me last week that she doesn't get periods anymore. For a year. I have come to 3 possible conclusions: Bulimia, over exercise, or something else entirely. But she definitely exercises a ton. It's hard to tell if that's normal or not, but it is... triggering I guess for me. I like to be better than others at things, but there's no way I can do that much exercise. Because I have to go to school. I think I could use this as motivation though. You know, reason to exercise more. She also doesn't comment when I just have an apple for lunch. Which is pretty awesome. She did a few times at first, just saying stuff like did you want to stop somewhere to buy lunch.

Ok, here's the part where I whine about stuff. Feel free to skip it :)

I'm such a mess lately. I can't sleep (I don't want to sleep), I'm cutting, anxiety is eating me from the inside out. I want to avoid people as much as possible, to the point where I'm not even answering emails.  I have been thinking about suicide a little (I wouldn't actually kill myself. Just... thinking. In all honesty, trying to starve to death seems like not a bad way to go, because then I'd have at least a few weeks to change my mind. I know that's dumb though). I feel like the world is so violent and unsafe and I just don't want to live here anymore. But obviously I can't move to Mars or something, so I guess I'll have to stick it out a while longer. I have been having sort-of flashbacks, but instead of remembering the bad stuff, I remember good or neutral stuff. Very weird. It makes me miss my ex. But he doesn't miss me (Probably because I blackmailed him into never talking to me again and otherwise acted like a psycho). I wonder if maybe I was wrong and our relationship didn't suck and all relationships are actually like that. Then that brings up the issue of would I really want to get into another relationship? Maybe not, maybe I should just call it a day and become a crazy cat (or dog, since I kind of like them better) lady. Or I should just move to the arctic and live wild among the wolves. Yeah that's it.

Take care and stay strong <3