Random combination of several posts, written over the week. Or crazy rant.

Week goals
Study a bit each day
Do homework a day ahead of time

Eat healthy food (ie more vegetables)
Practice karate at least 2 days other than classes
Start running again

I didn't realize before how much eating and cutting kept my problems at bay. The first few days back at school were ok. Good, except for being around people so much. Then I started having trouble sleeping again. First it was just waking up a lot, and then the dreams started again. I haven't cut though. Not since before Christmas. I'm working on the binge eating which has been out of control. I've gained almost 10 lbs in the last week.
Yesterday, I heard my roommates talking about their weights. They both weigh 130, which is now my ultimate goal (it didn't change because of them but because it used to be lower and I'm trying this whole healthy thing). Any way, I'm much taller than them, at least 4 or 5 inches. I don't think they look fat ( well one kind of does but by my standards, not regular ones. And based on their talking, she could be like me: temporarily biggger than normal because of some bad decisions). EDIT: I hate how everything has to be a competition. I have to be skinnier, get better grades etc because that's how I feel good about myself. Going to think about why.

Not feeling good at all today. It's no surprise, since I've been binging daily for a while. Maybe even a few times a day, I can't remember. I feel like binging right now, but already ate too much tonight (3 bowls of chili, 2 slices of bread with vegan margarine, an apple, a tbsp of peanut butter, a muffin, some salad from lunch and a cup or two of cereal). I didn't eat much all day, but in my defense I was feeling too sick to my stomach. Writing it all out like that makes me realize it's not that bad, but still. I can't help but wonder what I'm doing to myself. I googled it, but the only thing that came up was about throwing up, which I don't do.
I've made no real attempts to burn off the extra calories. Am sort of at a loss for what to do now, since the intuitive eating thing isn't really working out. I can't stop eating when I feel full, even though I want to.
I want to cut too. And that leads me to why I'm here.

Why do I binge and cut?
Loneliness
Fear of what other people think of me. Do I talk too much or too little? Do I have dumb ideas?
Disliking myself
Fear that I'll never trust a guy again, never have another relationship or kids, become a crazy cat lady and/or die alone
Fear that I will trust some guy again and he'll turn out to be as bad as or worse than the last one
I am afraid of tons of stuff. But I put on my brave face every day and go out in the world. And it's stressful and some days I can barely hold it together and some days I don't. I just come home and binge.
In some ways, I don't want "recovery" for lack of a better word. I don't want to conform to the ideal picture of health. I want to lose weight and be skinny and pretty. I want to like myself. I don't want the stomach pains and weight gain and looking like I am pregnant. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I dont want to feel anything

More things I worry about
Dying
Being fat
Being alone
Rape
Being a failure
Not being good enough
Hurting myself


I've heard that anxiety can be helped by writing down the things you worry about and then thinking how likely they are to happen. Maybe I'm not doing this right but I'm pretty sure most of that is likely to happen. Like 5 or higher on a scale of one to 10. Everybody dies, right?