I think I've fallen through the looking glass.
My plan when I started to lose weight was to get to the very edge of healthy weight and then maintain. I didn't plan on becoming "disordered" or even progressing very far into "kind of a funny eater". I am eating random condiments instead of real meals again. Right now I'm doing the 2 4 6 8 diet. It's working.
I think it's because I've been reading eating disorder books that I found online (Insatiable, Wasted, Hunger Point, and a bunch of others). I have hardly left the house the last week or two because it's exam time and I don't have to go anywhere. I have hardly spoken to anyone.
I know the risks. The side effects of rapid weightloss: hair loss, bone loss, muscle loss, malnutrition, going crazy, depression, suicide. And other stuff I'm sure. But I can't help myself right now. I need to stop isolating myself I think. I'm just so worried about what people think, it's hard to even go on facebook or write here.
I just need to tough it out a while longer, until I reach my goal. The only thing is, I'm scared it will keep dropping.
I think I will try to do something like: 2 4 6 8, then 12, 16, 16. But it might have to change when I start work if it's a very physical job. I could be burning 3000 per day or more, so 200 calories really wouldn't work out well.
Take care of yourselves <3
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I have had eating issues for so long and they started so early I dont now if I ever had this moment you are describing. I read peoples thoughts that they write and pray that they never get where I am. that first morning number determines your day. walking up and down candy or cookie isles looking at the package and setting them back down cause just to feel them in your hand was enough. looking at pics of very skinny girls and wanting that and not seeing anything wrong. You seem to have a small grip on it so maybe if you feel it running away with you get help seek answers it is an awful thing to live with and did does not get better the older you get. good luck hun.
ReplyDeleteOh take care of yourself too. :) I really hope you achieve your goal!
ReplyDeleteAlso I enjoy reading your blog because you're so open and matter of fact. Just thought I'd let you know :)