General life update

I'm scared to weigh myself.
I have been sick all week with a bacterial infection that mostly only old people in hospitals with weakened immune systems get. My mom freaked.
I have been having a really hard time not binge eating. It's hard because my stomach hurts a lot (and stuff could maybe be damaged from the bacterial toxins) so I can't eat all day, but that leads to the deprived starving feeling that leads to a binge. I'm getting back on track.
Tomorrow I have to go back to work. I have to try to eat regular again. And run again. It's hard though because I'm so tired. And the pharmacist said the antibiotics I'm on could cause tendonitis or something if I work out too much when I'm on them, and they make me super sensitive to sun and dizzy and headache-y. Ugggh.
I'm still scared about going back to school.
Messed up thing that I will deny if anyone asks: I sort of miss my psycho ex. I keep having all these good memories of him. I can't figure out if maybe I was wrong. Maybe all the bad stuff was in my head. Maybe that's why the cops couldn't file charges. Maybe men aren't crazy rapists and maybe cops don't deserve the somewhat poor opinion I have of them.
Maybe I just miss having a boyfriend... Imma think about this.
The things I miss:

• cuddling
• having someone to talk to all the time
• having someone I can tell anything, talk about anything with
• someone who knows me really well, who I can be honest with
• someone who loves me unconditionally

I can probably think of more, but I am too tired and it's making me sad.
The things I don't miss (besides the obvious)

• The way he made fun of me sometimes
• the way he talked to me in front of friends
• his jealousy/being controlling of how I spent my time
• his temper
• the way he treated me like I'm dumb, like being a girl is a bad thing

Hmm. Maybe I do just miss having a boyfriend. Maybe the word for this is lonely. Maybe there's a space in my life that you can only fill with friends for so long. Maybe my stupid body just wants to pass some genes on so that it doesn't matter if my stupid mind goes crazy and tries to kill us.
Soon it'll have been a year since we broke up. In a few months, it'll be a year since we really broke up and I told him I never wanted to talk to him again (he didn't listen that first time).
I miss how sometimes, it seemed like he really loved me. I wish he'd meant it when he said all that stuff about how he loved me and would always treat me right and we'd grow up and get married and have babies and live happily together and ... Just stop.
I'm going to bed.  I should stop thinking about him. It isn't going to change what happened.
Goodnight. I hope everyone else out there is doing ok.
<3