Tired

I am done school. Except for ny four exams next week.

You know self-isolation thing is getting bad when I don't even want to blog, just in case someone, somewhere reads it. I am just anxious I guess. I worry a lot about what people think of me.

I didn't cut last night. First time in a while that I've been able to fall right asleep, no crying, binging, cutting, not even any googling of random weight related stuff. But I woke up with bad dreams.

I am so tired. And feeling numb. But it's not numb enough. I crave that feeling from last week, of being so drunk I couldn't feel my lips. Or anything else. I don't want to drink anymore, even if it means not having another sip for the rest of my university degree. And maybe the rest of my life.

I have been thinking a lot about this whole weight-loss thing. Part of me just wants to not eat until I reach my goal. Part wants to eat sensibly and lose slowly and be healthy and maybe ask for help. Part of me says it doesn't matter, nothing really matters. And part wants to binge and is just daring me to try to exercise it off, but I won't fall back into that again.

I hope you're doing better, terrifying person who happens to read this.