Losing control

I have binged 3 times in the last 24 hours. Haven't purged though (by exercise or any other means). Total of almost 4000 calories consumed.
I have been cutting. I am running out of places that are easy to hide and cutting over old cuts.

I want to stop. I want to live a normal life and be free from this. I want to not focus on food anymore and just live. Really live. I want to someday be able to show my body to a guy I love and not have to worry about my scars. I bet the ones I have now would go away in a year or two's time. One of the only scars I have is from one of the first times I cut. Even that one, I think, will be gone someday. It was only a little over a year ago and I can only really see it because I know exactly where to look.

But I don't want to be fat either.

Looks like I will be going to the gym later today. I just don't want to get caught up in the cycle of binging and purging again.
Maybe it doesn't matter what I weigh anyway. Maybe I just need to try to do better in terms of what I eat and exercise. Control. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Starting now.

Possible reasons for binge

• Worried about test later today
• roommate situation
• general stress and anxiety and sucking at dealing with it

I am exhausted. And I need to study.
Take care, lots of love.