Day 8: Name 5 things you like about your body and the one part you want to change the most.

Wrists, collarbones, neck, legs, and chest ribs (can only see them in a certain light, when I move my arms). That was hard. I want to change... I guess my hips/stomach. I just want everywhere to be smaller really.

The things that make me worry right now:

• school/tests/exams/projects
• weight and food and exercise
• family
• Christmas (specifically, christmas food and home food and being under the scrutiny of my parents). Unlimited access to peanut butter and cereal (=devil food! lol just kidding, but I do tend to binge on those). And my parents like seeing that I eat and don't know about bulimic history. Or maybe they do and we just don't talk about it/they don't think it's that bad.
• Visiting the doctor. I could tell him how obsessed I am with my weight. Ask for help. Or I could have to hide everything (including cuts). Or they could want to do a pap smear or whatever, which I definitely would prefer not to do. And I don't think it's really necessary. What if they do blood work and I'm super-unhealthy and they make me stop being vegan? Or gain weight. Or stop restricting calories/trying to lose weight.

And for once, "psycho ex boyfriend coming to find me and ... (use imagination here)" was not on the list. Not that I've ever made one before. Still,  a little surprising. I haven't had a dream about him in a while either. Maybe that means I'm getting over it. Or more likely that I'm getting better at killing the pain.

I've spent the morning googling weight related stuff. I should have been studying for a test that I have tomorrow at 10 am. I went on facebook, just for a minute because sometimes my teacher posts stuff there that "might be on the test", or gives hints about things to study. I ended up reading my news feed and coming across a post from my roommate about the VS fashion show (which I might watch at some point. Not sure yet).
Anyway, she was like "after seeing those victoria secret models... i now know what i have to work towards. A. breast implants/boob pads, B. no more drinking, C. work out everyday for 5 hours, D. wear heels all day everyday to appear tall".
I am already tall enough... It seems a shame to waste that by not being skinny. I just have to keep reminding myself that there's no instant fix, I just have to work slowly at it every meal, every day.

It's the christmas party for my program this weekend. I haven't been drinking since Halloween and I'm not sure yet if I will Saturday or not. I think I might try this:
Eat as little as possible/exercise as much as possible/save up as many calories over the rest of the week as I can. (Within reason).
Aim to keep alcohol under 1000 calories. - Drink straight rum/vodka  (or mix with diet pop?) on a mostly empty stomach and not buy anything at the bar (food or drink). Maybe attempt to smuggle some alcohol in.
I doubt I can drink that much anyway, since I want to be fun-drunk not pass out/puke/not having fun anymore drunk.
I guess I'll just have to see how it goes.
So. Much. Stress.
I started writing this to divert a binge/cutting. But now I don't really have anything left to say...
Maybe I feel like bingeing/cutting/spending all my time googling weight stuff because of the added stress of exams. Maybe I just need to relax and study and it'll all be ok. Maybe.