Do you count calories? What is your daily calorie goal?
I track basically everything, calories, fat protein carbs. My daily goal is 1500, more or less depending on exercise.
I can't sleep again.
I keep hearing over and over, whispers in my head: fat, ugly, whore, stupid, not good enough, awkward, bad with people, bitch, slut.
True things, but he didn't have to say them.
I hear my dad, telling me I need to do more sports, that I'm unhealthy because I don't exercise and eat too much junk food.
I hear my mom, telling me I look fine.,. But she has to say that. And maybe she just doesn't want to be alone with her weight.
Do you find yourself judging other people for being overweight?
I hate myself for it. Just one more thing I guess. They probably can't control it. But I can and I will.
Maybe I won't set a weight goal. Maybe I'll just stop when I'm done and when I'm good enough and when I like what I see in the mirror. But what if I never get there?
I just want to be the skinniest one. If I get to a bmi of 17.6, I'll be in the 12th percentile for my age and height. Skinnier than 88% of America might be good enough. But america is obese. Maybe that's not good enough.
Right now I'm in the 32nd percentile
Last night I went out for supper with friends. Ate about 650 calories. I hate not knowing, it is making me freak out. I am never eating out again. It cost me like 16 bucks and when I got home and googled, there was milk in what I ate. FML. That is just making me freak out harder. Next time, I'll eat before we go and just get water. And maybe like a side salad or something.
I am going running in a little while. My friend wants to go to the bar tonight but not only do I not feel like drinking calories, I don't particularly like bars anymore. I hate that random guys always try to take advantage of me. It makes me feel bad about myself and the world and men in general.
Freaking out a little bit. Maybe this is why I can't sleep anymore. Maybe I will have to start exercising on these early morning/late night awake-fests. Or maybe I will get some sleep this weekend. You never know.
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