Living with these people is actually making me crazy. I spent a good two hours cleaning our kitchen this morning ( most of it was not my mess) and then my roommate came home and messed it all up. I am freaking out because I definitely had better things to do today but instead cleaned because it had been bothering me. And now it's dirty again!
I have tried keeping my room clean to compensate and just trying to spend time in there but my room can't get any cleaner unless I take all my stuff out. It annoys me so much. I actually don't want to live with them anymore.
I don't want to go to sleep with it so messy out there!
On top of that, one of them decorated for Christmas without everybody else. She moved all our stuff around and put up these flashing lights which I find distracting and just... Not restful and relaxing. A bit like my roommate herself actually. She talks too loud, gets ridiculously over-excited and yells at everything. And she always says random stuff and I don't know if I'm supposed to be talking to her or if she's just talking. She's a nice enough person I guess, but there's just something about her. She complains a lot. More than me lol but I think I don't complain this much in real life. I bottle it all up and then blog about it or obsess over calories or cut. Much healthier, I know.
At least I'm skinnier (I think). It's hard to tell with people much shorter than you. But I find both her and one of my other roommates very triggering to be around. They both seem to never eat and they're taking gym but sometimes still workout. And I can't really tell if I'm skinnier or not. I think my eyes might be broken.
At karate tonight, I noticed that looking in the mirror I look slimmer. There is a faint shadow of an indent on the back of my wrist, between my ulna and radius. And my watch, pants and bra don't fit the same. It seems I have lost weight, although the scale says I've lost half a pound (if I'm being optimistic, squinting and shifting to one side lol). I am starting to suspect that my scale isn't precise but it should still show the difference. If I stand with my weight mostly to the left I weigh a little less, a difference of a pound or two.
This whole high protein thing is weird. I'm very used to high carb eating. This keeps me from feeling hungry so I definitely recommend it that way (I have about a 1000 calorie deficit for the day). But I do feel tired and get intense sugar cravings. That could be from lack of sleep though. I'll let you know if it's still going this good in a week or so. And if I've lost any weight. I need to start running again. That could be what's causing the crazy. Maybe tomorrow. I'm going to try and ease into it, and get something to use as an ice pack for my sore knee. Or maybe take a few more rest days.
Maybe I just need to get skinny enough that I know without a doubt that I'm skinnier than most people. Or maybe I need to find a better way to measure my self worth than with the scale. I feel like I'm playing with fire, or dancing along the edge of a rooftop. One wrong move and this whole thing will just go horribly wrong.
I am going to try to sleep without pills tonight. They said to only take them to help me fall asleep sometimes and only a half tablet. I've taken them the last 3 nights and last night took a whole tablet. Best sleep ever though. At first I had awful dreams but last night was good. Now I just have to go a week or so without anything. Going to see how it goes tonight. Sweet dreams :) xoxo
EDIT: I wrote that before bed last night, but it wouldn't publish. I got up at about 3 am, had a bad dream. I didn't sleep well before that though because my roommates came home and were loud. I'm not particularly upset with them anymore. I just feel... numb. I cried for about an hour, and I have to say, there's something to be said for just freaking out and not trying to stop feeling. Still not going back to sleep though.
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