Binge. Again. Only 300 calories over budget this time. Cereal again. I feel completely awful. My stomach hurts. I ate about 1800 calories in about 2 hours. I ran 3 km tonight. I can feel it starting and I'm scared.
I don't want to be here
I don't want to get stuck again
Somebody please stop the ride
I'd like to get off now.
On the upside, I haven't cut in a while. Since the last time I posted about it I think.
And my running is getting a bit better. I'm just scared of getting obsessed with those numbers too.
Maybe I should meet with a school counsellor. But I wouldn't know what to talk about. I obviously know what's been bothering me and it's not like they can fix it.
I wish I was brave. I wish I could let myself care about boys again. I wish I could fall in love, for real this time and I wish that I wasn't so achingly lonely. I'm not alone, not really. I have a family and friends who care about me. But alone and lonely are not the same things.
I just wish I could find the parts of me that are missing. I think maybe when people dissociate, when they leave their bodies like that, they lose a part of themselves in that other place. Part of them stays in that safe place where it can't get hurt. But it can't feel good things either.
I want to feel alive again. But I also don't want to feel anything.
I just want to run.
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