Hi :)

Yesterday I went to the mall with my two friends. One is the roommate I like, the other is a girl we both went to college with.
We shopped around a bit for underwear, clothes, christmas stuff. Nobody really bought anything. But I bought some cocoa to make hot chocolate and some soy yogurt (because the only grocery store that carries it is on the other side of town, by the mall).
My roommate is kind of bigger, but she's very curvy and has the prettiest hair. She told me yesterday that she didn't eat all day, until we got home after school at about 3. She left early too, at like 8 am. I hope this is not my fault. Always obsessing over food and being thinner. I hope I'm not contagious. I hope it was a one time thing and she's going to be ok. I'm definitely worried she'll become bulimic because she does seem to binge eat, but maybe I'm imagining things. And I can tell when she's been puking (like if she's sick or after drinking too much. I'm pretty sure she doesn't throw up on purpose) because she gets little bruise-like things around her eyes and face. Sometimes I'll go running and then I'll hear her on the elliptical after (she has one in her bedroom). I feel like we might be competing, but I don't know. Some sick part of me gets some kind of self worth from being thinner. She's definitely prettier and funnier and more outgoing and everything. I just want to be skinnier... God, I'm a terrible person. My friend wants to lose weight and it might be healthier for her to do that and I don't want her to so I can feel better about myself.
The other friend I went to the mall with is basically my weightloss idol. She is about the skinniest person I know. I'm pretty sure she isn't disordered, just skinny because she naturally doesn't eat a lot and likes to be active. Maybe she's like me, maybe sort of disordered but tries to be healthy. Anyway, she is almost bordering on too skinny. Her thigh gap basically puts all those photoshopped pro-ana images to shame. But she doesn't look sick or anything like that. Anyway, she is also just a really cool person, having been to Japan and Brazil and being really smart. The story I was getting to, is that I found out her waist size is 27. She's not a size zero! So that kind of makes me happy to know that you don't have to be a size zero to be skinny. She is a little taller than me, so maybe it's a tall-girl thing. I'm not sure what my waist size is. The older pants I was wearing yesterday were a size 27 waist and they were basically falling off. But I have a newer pair of pants that are size 28, and they are pretty tight, the last time I wore them (it was after a binge but still) they left bruises on my waist. I've lost a little since then, and they are still a bit tight but not as bad. Anyway, maybe I don't need a really low BMI. Maybe I could just stop at my realistic goal and try to learn to deal with my size. Or maybe by the time I get there I'll be able to use exercise as the focus of my life (running and karate) instead of exercise, weightloss and calorie counting.

Anyway, after the mall yesterday, I got home super hungry! It was like 8 pm, but I couldn't justify spending money on food at the mall since I am already over budget for the week. Way over. And there was nothing that was healthy and vegan. So I went a bit over budget yesterday for calories too. I think it was because I let myself get too hungry and stopped worrying about protein the last day or two. Seriously, protein is your friend!!

I'm off to work on school stuff for the rest of the weekend. Good luck this weekend! Stay strong and always believe in yourself .
xoxo