The edge

I fell off. I started cutting again. What I really wanted was to binge but I reached my calorie limit for the day and was kind of full so...
I have never cut this deep. But it made me feel so much better... I might just embrace it, rather than be ashamed of it anymore. It helps me deal when life seems overwhelming. Why do I need to feel more shame than I already do?
I wonder if cutting is like a drug or like bingeing; you start off just needing a little, but pretty soon you need it bad, all the time, more, deeper, can't stop. 

"Puke and starve and cut and drink because you don't want to feel any of this. Puke and starve and cut and drink because you need an anesthetic and it works. For a while. But then the anesthetic turns to poison and by then it's too late because you are mainlining it now, straight into your soul. It is rotting you but you can't stop."

I'm scared that I'm getting back into that old life. But ready to control it this time, so maybe this time around I can control the binges and control my weight.

I could focus on counting calories, feeling in control. I can try to eat the right amounts of protein and fats and carbs and take my multivitamin. I can stop the starvation binges and drink lots of water for the other kind of binge.

I am terrified. But no one ever became great by not trying.

So I guess to start me off I should make a goal or two for the next week. I'll check in every few days to record progress.

Ultimate Goals/Rules

1. No eating after supper
2. No more than 500 calories per meal, 3 meals per day. In some kind of dire circumstance, you are allowed a snack of 100-200 calories, but it comes out of your meal calories.
3. Eat at most, every 5 hours (unless it's night time) (when you wake up, noon, 5)
4. Eat sitting down, at the table, in the kitchen. Off a plate/bowl.
5. Chew food well, eat slowly, take small, lady-like bites.
6. No liquid calories (one night of drinking in moderation per month)
7. Think before you eat: Is this really necessary? Does it fit in my budget?
8. Weigh 115 or less*
9. One cheat day every two weeks; Break even if you want to, but don't go over!
10. 75+ grams of protein, 30-40g fat, remaining calories come from carbs.
11. Weigh once a month.

I'm going to work on the first three for the next two weeks and report back to say how it's going. What I hope to accomplish with these three is feeling in control, 'normal'-ish eating habits, and keeping calories under control (and at or under 1500/day, but above 1250). Hopefully, eating this much will allow me to reach my UltimateSuperLow Goal Weight* by late -April or early May. Or my slightly more realistic maintenance weight by mid February.
 I want to be skinny so bad. I hate how it's a competition though, how I have to be "better" than everyone else (better=skinny somehow).

Motivation for weight-loss

• be a better runner, less strain on bones
• be skinny/ look good
• healthier
• Skinny pants will fit again/ dresses
• Save money on the sale racks (because they're all the really small sizes)

I could call school counselling and make an emergency appointment and see what they say. I could keep trying to stop cutting. I could just lose slowly, until I get to the lower healthy limit at about 130 lbs. But I can't.