Late night honesty

It's 4:30 am. I should be sleeping, but instead I'm thinking.
Life isn't like movies at all. In movies relationships are all kissing and being there for each other and loving. In real life relationships are yelling on the phone at 3 am and submission and one person always fighting to have the upper hand and control. I am terrified of relationships.
My roommate has been on the phone with this guy yelling at random times throughout the day. Her door is closed but I can still hear and it's upsetting. It's hard to eat listening to them, but since I am trying to be healthy I am eating about 1500 calories per day and exercising regularly. I have to make myself eat sometimes, when I'd rather have nothing until I'm too dizzy to stand up.
I want to hurt myself. I started cutting again but I wish I didn't. I'm trying to stop again so it's been a few days. Running helps though. I've been running almost everyday this week (not Wednesday because I did an hour of karate then). My skinny pants button now, even though the scale says I've lost no weight and my regular pants are a bit loose. I can't wait until I'm skinny. Only about 20 lbs to my ultimate goal, I think. It keeps changing getting lower, then higher. If you're curious, it's between 130 and 110. I know that's a huge difference and 110 might be a bit unhealthy, especially if i want to run races or compete or spar in karate. 110 is what I'd have to weigh if I was a Russian ballerina and they are pretty athletic but they also have died of heart attacks. I am becoming a little bit obsessed with BMIs, my own and comparing mine to other people's.
Does anybody else have someone they compete with to lose weight? There is this girl I'm friends with, she makes comments that make me think she feels threatened by my weight loss (she knew me back when I was overweight; most people I go to school with now have always seen me at about what I weigh now). I feel like if I can be skinnier than her, that's enough. However, I'll never have a lower weight number wise. She is about 9 inches shorter than me, so even if I get to 110, she will still weigh less. She's not especially skinny, she's just small. Her BMI is probably around 21, so if that's what we're going by I really only have to lose another 5 lbs or so but mine's already a little lower. She tells me about her exercise and I definitely work harder in that respect, which feels good to know.
I think I need to eat more fats because I'm starting to feel like I could eat a whole jar of peanut butter. I've only been getting about 12% of my calories from fat this week, it should be 20-30. I'm doing pretty good with protein though.
Tonight I just stayed home and studied for a bit and watched Harry potter with my roommate. It was nice, relaxing. I needed a night in.