I went swimming yesterday. Forgot about fat and scars and wore a bikini top. I was with my co-worker and she didn't seem to notice. I guess the scars on my ribs aren't that bad. I did wear shorts though to cover the ones on my hips. I am pretty sure those are very noticeable.
Anyway, speaking of my coworker (I'll call her C. For Coworker lol), I think she may possibly have an eating disorder or body image issues or something. She works out all the time, biking and running long distances, talks about food a lot, and sometimes makes comments about her body that I`m not sure how to respond to. She is obviously not fat; I have skinnier legs and pointier elbows and I can kind of see chest ribs, but she has a much flatter stomach. But she`s more a pear shape (carries weight on hips and thighs) whereas I`m more an apple shape (carry weight on my stomach and boobs). Maybe I just seem to see this kind of thing in everybody, i don't know. But I think it may not be normal to lift weights while driving between work locations. Whatever, I'm on board for that :)
I am feeling very tired tonight. Just binged and really want to cut. But if I'm going to be fat, I at least don't want to be covered in scars head to toe.

I wish I could manage the anxiety without binging. I wish I liked myself a little. And I wish I was skinny. Wishing doesn't help anything though. I need to starve.