I figured this out... It's not my ex that I miss, it's just plain having a boyfriend. Someone to cuddle with, hold hands. I considered him my best friend for a long time, so maybe I just miss having a male best friend. I miss the attention, he used to call and text me all the time. It seems very quiet without him. But also... peaceful. I don't want to give up the peace by inviting another guy into my life. I don't want to give up the freedom of being able to always go out with my friends and do whatever I want.
I have thought about a friend with benefits, or some kind of casual relationship, but I don't know any guys who would consider cuddling a good enough benefit and not want sex or other things (and anything more than cuddling or hand holding is definitely out right now).
Last night, I went to the school bar with 2 girl friends. We danced and drank and had fun and after, we returned to our male friend D.'s house to get our coats. We just stopped to have some juice and a snack (I figured out that I need to eat if I'm drinking, because if I don't 2 drinks is enough to make me dizzy and pass out and one drink is enough to make me sick) and ended up relaxing on D's bed. I was wearing a skirt to the bar and it was cold outside, so I brought sweatpants to change into, and then got comfy. Too comfy to go home. So me and D and one of my other friends (E, i think she may like D, but she just got out of a four year relationship and I think he may like her, but it's hard to tell, he flirts with every girl) shared the bed with D in the middle and our other friend slept on the floor.
It was only a single bed so everyone was sleeping pretty close together. I woke up around 5 am and D was half lifting me, and sliding his arms around me. I forgot where I was for a minute and put my arms around him mostly from reflex I guess. He slid his hand under my shirt and across my waist, to rest on my back. It was ok though, we just went back to sleep, cuddled together. I think he may have just wanted to stretch, because it definitely felt good to straighten my arms. We were pretty packed in to the bed.
Anyway, it was sort of nice to just cuddle somebody, and know nothing bad was going to happen, if a little strange because D and my ex, have similar skin tones, and D lives in the residences at school where my ex used to live, so their rooms were very similar.
My ears are still ringing from the music at the bar, and I'm exhausted and feeling a bit lonely after all the cuddling. But I have some school work to do, so i guess I will go get dressed and tackle some of that. And think about what to do of course.
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