Pep Talk/Realizations

I just realized the only person keeping me fat is me. No one can make someone else eat. It's up to me what I do or don't eat. And me eating too much is what's keeping me fat. I have to lose this weight. I have to. It doesn't matter how fast, just as long as I don't gain. They key is probably losing slowly. This way my body won't start to starve and get weak and give me the urge to eat anything and everything in sight. It's hard to lose slowly though, I get impatient and depressed because I think it isn't working and then I binge eat.
So I'll try again. Maintain control no matter what. If, by the end of this week, I haven't gotten below 140, I'm going to try doing this slowly. Slowly cut down what I'm eating until I'm down to around 1200/day. (currently at 2000 to 3000/ day, depending on if I binge or not. I'm very active, so i burn 2000 to 2500/day) If it takes about 4 days of not eating to start to starve and lead to a binge, I am going to only go two days max. without eating. I need a lifestyle change, not a diet.
Tomorrow, change begins. I can do this. I want to do this.

I am unsure of my final goal. Part of me wants 125 lbs, a BMI of 18.5 and the lowest I can healthiliy go (BMIs are actually used as statistics and are not the best indicators of an individual's health). I don't want to go lower than this because I fear someone will decide that's too skinny and make me gain weight. It sucks once you get a taste of being that skinny to go back to bigger.
Part of me wants 123lbs, just because the number 123 appeals to me.
Part of me wants 118 lbs.
Part of me just wants to starve and starve until I'm small.  Until my body grows backwards to being a child. Until my mind forgets all the painful things and is the mind of a child again.
According to a body fat percentage calculator I found online, if my total weight is 140lbs, I am roughly 108 lbs muscles, bones,organs and other important stuff, and 32 lbs of fat. There was no space to enter how much shame, anger, fear, embarrasment and memories weigh, but I estimate those to weigh roughly 20 lbs.

Tomorrow I will act skinnier than I did today.