I'm so so so so so so angry. Words cannot describe. I have been cutting. I hadn't cut in a few weeks, and before that about a month. But I can't stop. And the binge eating... I hate it. It stops right now! (well actually a couple hours ago...)

Tomorrow, I go back to school. I need to stop acting crazy. I need to get my shit together and focus on getting my diploma and getting skinny. My grades have dropped this semester (not very much, but I am a bit of an over-achiever I guess. They are Not Good Enough.). I have been lazy with getting work done and handed in on time. I have been angry with everybody and everything.

Hopefully I will be 123 lbs, most of it muscle, but it doesn't really matter what I weigh... I just don't want my period anymore. I don't want breasts and I don't want curves. I want to starve until my body and mind are both pure and clean again. I want to start over, fresh and brand-sparkly new.

I'm going to caffeinate excessively if I have to, which could be a problem since I don't like coffee. The plan is to only eat when I absolutely have to. Read: when I have karate. And I'm going to maintain control. I lost 15 lbs in 3 weeks before (kept it off for a few months too) and I can do it again. I will be under 130 by the time school ends for the summer. By the time I'm a college graduate.

I have a counselling appointment on Thursday. Not sure if I should go or not, if I want to or not, if it'll help or not. Part of me wants to tell her about the cutting, get out of this deep, dark hole I'm in. Part of me thinks she won't understand. Part of me wants to mention my problems with eating, get help before I get even more fat. But I'm scared she won't believe me, or think I need help or know where I can get help... Just to be clear, I don't have an eating disorder. From the criteria I found online though, I fit most with non-purging bulimia, which if you've never heard of it, means that you binge but instead of making yourself vomit (as purging bulimics do) you either exercise excessively or don't eat.

Just as a side note, I also fit with PTSD and depression... But I don't know if I should get help for either of those/talk to a doctor or my counsellor about it. I just feel very disinterested in life and everything in it. Working on these problems seems like too much work, especially when I've been struggling for months on my own and seem to have only gotten worse... At least maybe tomorrow I will be thinner than I am today...