Not literally. I just binged about 2000 calories in 4 hours...
Lesson learned: Don't try to fast when you're upset/feeling binge-y. Eat small amounts of food throughout the day to stay satisfied and under your calorie limit.
Bingeing feels terrible... I hate feeling so out of control. I hate the achy full feeling in my stomach. I hate that when I wake up tomorrow, the scale will have gone up. I hate that I feel like a pig.
I'm going to stick to the plan, roughly. Spaghetti taco for supper tomorrow (one only, est. 400 cal), then drinking after(est. 400 cal for 2 coolers). Fruit for snacks during the day if it comes down to that. Going to the gym in the morning, hope to burn 500 calories. Then Saturday, the leftovers from earlier this week (870). This means that with the 1200 calories I have left for the week, if I exercise, I'll have 1700, which is enough to get me through. But I'll still have to do my regular, planned exercise (1.5 hours of karate practice, either tonight or Saturday)
And then it'll be a new week, a fresh start. I just have to minimize the damage and remember if this was easy, nobody would be overweight or obese.
I miss my ex-boyfriend... It's dumb, he was pretty bad for me. But he was always there to talk to, we had our good times... In a few weeks, it'll be 9 months since we broke up. In a few weeks, it will be 4 months since we last talked, 6 months since we were broken up, but on somewhat good terms...
When I think about him, I get so angry, I feel so dirty for letting him get close to me, for spending so much time with him... I feel tainted. I want to starve myself clean, but I know that doesn't work. I'll just binge and feel even worse.
He has a new girlfriend now. I only know this because he commented on a mutual friend's facebook status, and the profile picture was him and a girl. When I asked my roommate (who was still friends on facebook with him for a while), she told me he was in a relationship. He looks like he's gained weight. The girl he's with was bigger. Bigger than me at my heaviest (I was just a few pounds overweight).
It's a bit ironic that I lost the weight when we were together. Me getting somewhat skinny was one of the good things that came from that relationship. He said he liked bigger girls, and when we first got together, he said I was the skinniest girl he ever dated. And then I lost 25 lbs. And then I lost another 20, mostly by not eating and over-exercising. He was starting to say things like "If you lose anymore weight you're going to be really sick." and, "I can see all your bones, baby, it's kinda gross," and, "If you lose much more weight I won't be attracted to you anymore." But that was kinda the point.
No man will ever touch me like that again. And that's why I have to do this. That's why I have to lose weight and be skinnier, no matter what. That's what's going to make me safe. And clean again.
I'm feeling inspired. Going to go work out now I think.
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