My dad and I were cooking supper, like every night.
"Didn't you want to eat those mushrooms?" he reminded me.
I run down the stairs, to the dark, cold basement. It's summer and thirty degrees outside, but the cement basement rarely gets above twenty. I wish for a second that I had worn shoes.
I walk towards the freezer, my mind on supper, when something catches my eye.
It's the couch, large and golden brown, sitting in the fading sunlight streaming through the window above it.
The couch is piled with stuff, my old beanbag chair, my dad's hunting stuff, some sleeping bags, anything that needed to be lifted off the ground in case the basement flooded in the spring.
The couch is empty.
Except for my pillow and blanket. I have been sleeping here the past few weeks, because there has been a heat wave. It is almost warm in the basement and it reminds me of the summer I was sixteen. Happy memories.
He's right behind me. I sit on the couch and he does too. He said he wanted to talk, and my room was a good place. I knew that wasn't true when we went to the basement. He leans over me, his breath hot and disgusting in my mouth as he kisses me. I kiss him back anyway, even though I am uncomfortable.
He pulls my shirt over my head and I know he wants me to take his shirt off, so I do. Part of this is acting the way he wants me to. He stands up and takes his pants off and then unbuttons my shorts.
I stop him. "I don't want to have sex," I say softly.
"Why not babe? You like it."
"No," I say, "We don't have a condom anyway."
"So? I'll pull out."
"I don't want to have to worry about getting pregnant."
"You don't have to. It'll be fine."
"Easy for you to say. We can just wait till two weeks from now, when you come home again and this time you can bring a condom." I'm not sure what I'll do and say two weeks from now, but I can worry about that later.
"But what if I don't make it home in two weeks? Let's just do this now."
I allow him to remove my shorts and pull me on top of him. I still don't want to do this very much, but now he's inside me and I'm scared that he'll get mad and hurt me if I make him stop.
There's no one home. I can't scream for help. The nearest neighbours live over a kilometer away. Even the dog is outside. Not that he'd know how to help or be able to.
I want this to be over. I will not cry.
I will not cry.
Maybe if I cry we can stop.
My tears fall on his chest. Lots of them.
How could he not notice?
Finally I pull away.
"I have to go to the bathroom," is what comes out of my mouth. I dress quickly, fumbling with my bra and buttons, and run upstairs. I lock the door and sit on the toilet. The tears are flowing like a flooded river. I take deep breaths, trying to calm down. It won't be long before he comes upstairs looking for me. I can't stop crying.
I scratch my fingernails across my stomach. It hurts, and calms me almost immediately. I scratch again and again, until I hear him come upstairs. I take a deep breath and go to the sink to wash my hands and face.
I open the door.
"Everything ok?" he says. He looks a bit angry.
"Yes," I lie.
"Were you crying?"
"No."
"Are you sure? You seem upset."
"I'm fine."
He takes my hand and leads me into my bedroom. A stranger's room. A girl who left for university almost a year ago. A girl who had never had sex, who was waiting for the right time, the right person. Maybe for marriage. Definitely for maturity.
We go back downstairs. He wants to finish. I stay quiet through the whole thing. Why bother protesting? How can this get any worse?
"Did you get lost?" My dad's voice, coming from upstairs breaks into the flashback. I am standing in front of the fridge with the door open. I can't remember why I'm here. I'm sweating a little and shaking. Then I remember. The mushrooms. I grab them, take a few deep breaths to focus and run upstairs. Standing in the warm entrance, I calm myself enough to act normal in front of my dad.
It happened a year ago. It happened ten seconds ago. It happened a thousand or more times in between.
Maybe when I'm skinny enough, the flashbacks will stop. Maybe.
I was 145 lbs this morning
Happy July 10th
No comments:
Post a Comment