Day 26!

I've had a busy last few days. Weight stable at 145. I've been trying to go by my body's cues about what to eat and how much and when. It's working fairly well I think. I don't feel deprived and always hungry but I feel that this is the healthy (normal?) way to do things.

I have been thinking and I'm not sure that I want to be "normal". I do want to be skinny (ideally 130 lbs/ between 125 and 130) but I don't want to be anorexic or otherwise eating disordered. I feel that I probably couldn't be considered bulimic anymore maybe, since I don't spend every waking moment thinking about food, and it's getting almost easy to not binge. The urge is there, but it is easy enough to ignore. In my mind, "normal" means fat. I'm pretty sure more than half of North Americans are not at a healthy weight, meaning that "normal eating" leads to a weight problem. So my plan is to be healthy. Adopt this new lifestyle of eating when my body tells me to and stopping when my stomach is full. Exercise often, but not to excess. "Treats" like candy or junk food are ok, but only now and then. Unhealthy food is to be avoided as much as possible.

I went to help my Nana (dad's step mom, lost husband last fall) with some stuff this week. I love her very much and she is a lovely person. But she has a problem with over-eating (I don't think binging necessarily, but probably just good ol' fashioned portion distortion) and she is overweight/obese. And that's fine. I try very hard not to judge people based on weight, because maybe they are hurting like me, and don't know how to deal with pain other than eating. Not judging people based on weight is something I need to work harder on. Anyway, my Nana seems to think I don't eat enough. And maybe last summer, when I dropped a bunch of weight fast, she was right to be concerned, and maybe I've lied to her about skipping meals in the past. However, it's my body and I don't think her eating habits are necessarily healthier or unhealthier than mine. So why does she get to judge how I eat? It bothers me a lot.

I think my mom (again, probably overweight/ obese) may have a problem with eating right. I found weightloss stuff (brochure from the Heart and Stroke foundation about healthy weights) in her room, and she seems to make a lot of negative comments about her weight. I wonder if I have an effect on her.
I'm never sure how to react when people around me talk bad about their bodies. I don't want to join in and go Oh yeah, I'm fat too, because I don't want other people to think I'm fat and I don't want people to know that I'm unhappy with my body/ (trying?) losing weight. But at the same time, if they are legitimately obese and maybe should lose weight for their health, what kind of friend would I be if I say, "Oh no, you're fine!"? Should I say something like, "You look fine, but maybe your self confidence would improve if you lost a bit of weight?" Another thing that bothers me is when people go, "Oh you're skinny you don't have to worry about what you eat or exercise here have a brownie and some cake and a steak!" and I don't know what to say so usually I'm like "No thank you" but inside I'm thinking skinny doesn't just happen, I have to work at it. Maybe if you worried about what you put in your mouth a bit, you'd be skinnier. That's very harsh, I know... People just bother me sometimes...

One of my most favourite forms of exercise is... ready?... manual labour. Yep. I don't like the gym very much because I feel like a hampster on a wheel and I just think it'd be better if I ate less rather than burned more calories because it's sort of the same as throwing food away. It's still wasting kind of. But with manual labour, you're burning calories off, but you're getting work done. You're accomplishing something. For example, the other day I had to help my brother with farm work and loaded up the back of his truck with soybean seeds. I moved 1000 lbs of seeds and my muscles are still a little sore, so it was good exercise. That feels like an accomplishment, because how many people can say they single handedly moved 1000 lbs of anything? I like running and karate too, but that's because I just find those things fun. 

Today I helped my dad move a bunch of logs around, using the tractor. We lifted one of the logs and a little garden snake tumbled out into the grass! I didn't want him (or her) to get squished, so while I was waiting for my dad to return with the tractor for the next log, I carried the little snake towards the bush near my house, so it could find a new place to hide. WHile I was carrying it, I noticed it had a funny bulge in its body. I was like, cool, it ate something, but then blood started coming out of its mouth! I freaked out and put it down fast and looked at it, but it seemed ok. I don't know if maybe I imagined the blood or something... Anyway, it didn't like when I tried to pick it up again to take it to the bush and I figured it would be safe enough where it was, so I left it there. I hope it was ok...

If anyone actually read all this, I am impressed. Thanks :)

Plan for tomorrow (Not rainy version):
7:30/8: wake up
1hr: get dressed, go running, take dog to the river to swim after
1 hr: change my fish's water, eat breakfast
1 to 2 hrs: go visit my horse, brush him, maybe ride
1/2 hr: lunch?
1 to 2 hr: see if  brother needs help with any work/ plant the garden
1hr: shower?
1 hr: make supper?
Night: working 7 -9 or 10

Rainy version (accomplish the following things, no particular order)
- change fish water
- clean room
- exercise!!!! (wii/bodyweight exercises/running in the rain?)
- watch skinny-related youtube videos (if necessary to avoid boredom eating)
- steal movie from brother to watch?
- knit
- find something to read
- eat breakfast and lunch (when hungry)
- maybe clean house