Competitive and parents

Food lately: Binge yesterday (brown rice) b/c of starving friday and not eating thursday. Trying to eat healthy and get off this roller coaster.
Weight: Fri. morning: 140 lbs
Sunday morning: 144 lbs. (hopefully temporary. 60% sure all or at least some is temporary.)

On to the good stuff!
My roommate/best friend has recently lost a lot of weight. I'm happy for her, she looks great! But at the same time, I find it very triggering to be around her. She exercises all the time (has an elliptical in her room, spends an hour or 2 per day on it) and seems to be eating less and less.  I'm worried that I influenced her, but at the same time, I don't want to be the fat friend. I don't want either of us to be...
I just feel so competitive with her, you know? Like I'll be on my own for a bit and think, "Ok, food and exercise in moderation, lets just be healthy." And then she'll start working out and I'll think, "I don't want to be the fat one, I need to lose weight!!!"

I'm kind of jealous of her. Her parents clearly love her and pay attention to her and like her and she likes them. They take good care of her (to the point of coddling). She didn't need to get into the first relationship that came along to get away from them. Her parents wouldn't judge her for going out and drinking or for her choice of a boyfriend/whatever she chose to do with him.

I can't go home in two weeks. I can't face my parents.  I can't believe I told them what happened in that crazy crazy relationship. (I actually only told them he raped me once and that's why we broke up.) they have no idea that it was happening almost our whole relationship, before I even had words to describe what was happening. They have  no idea that I stayed for two years because I was scared to leave. And I thought that kind of thing was normal in a relationship. I had no idea what to expect because the closest they got to teaching me about healthy relationships was making me feel ashamed and like a whore for any kind of sexual contact (even kissing). Which, because of the sexual abuse, I was already feeling.

I feel like they judge me for every little thing. What I wear, who I'm friends with, what I eat, what I do, the program I'm taking in school, the things I like. They make me feel like I'm incapable of taking care of myself. I feel like they'll love me even less if I'm fat. I have so many ways to compare them to him. Both try to control me. Both make me feel small sometimes. I love(d?) both of them. They both said they love(d?) me.

I pretty much only applied to jobs that would have me living somewhere other than home. And I didn't get any of them. (Yet?) But I do have my old job. I'd be working about a billion hours a week, so that's good, if a little mentally and physically exhausting.

I just want to be happy. I want to be healthy and fit and strong. I don't want an eating disorder, or self injury. I want a fairy tale. A dream world. I need someone to come save me. I don't think I can save myself anymore.

I want to go home. But I don't know where that is anymore...