Crazy.

I am feeling all crazy lately. And definitely glad that I use a fake name here, since I lost(!) my real life, pen and paper diary.Which worries me, but I'm pretty sure it's at my parents house... hopefully...
So here's really the only place I can get it all out.
I'm so stressed about school lately. There are all these presentations and I hate presentations. I'm so shy and nervous that I can barely talk in front of a large group of my friends, let alone a class of 30+ people... I worry all week about them.
I went grocery shopping this morning (hopefully the last trip of the year). I got mostly healthy stuff, lots of protein. But I also got a pack of wafer cookies... and ate the whole thing... As far as binge foods go, I don't think I did much damage though. It was only $0.99 and about 1600 calories. I'm going to workout later today too, so I think today will end up being calorie neutral-ish. I'll try again tomorrow and the rest of today. It feels so shitty though, before i ate it I felt clean and empty inside. Now I feel all sugary and bulky and full.
I'm really tired today, and lacking motivation. I haven't been sleeping well and I just want to run away from everything.
I think I may have PTSD (and have thought this for a while). And possibly non-purging bulimia. I kinda want to get help, so I can be normal and happy, but I want to lose weight and I'm pretty sure you aren't supposed to lose weight while recovering from an eating disorder... I kinda want help for the possible PTSD too, but at the same time, I feel like it's helping me stay alive. I feel like if I got help and the problem went away, I'd stop being so mistrustful and cautious and watchful and then get hurt again. I don't feel like there's a happy medium between avoiding all contact with guys and getting raped.
Also, I've been thinking about other things too... I'm completely uninterested in guys (And mostly girls too for that matter) in a sexual way. This worries me a little, what if I'm not just messed up from psych ex boyfriend? What if I like girls? I feel like that's something I'd know already... I don't really care about labels (straight, gay, bi, whatever) but what if I'm just that ashamed that I can't admit it to myself? I think it may just be that I feel safer with girls (they can't/don't want to rape me, and they're small and non-threatening) than with boys (they're big and scary and would love to rape me)... In any case, I don't want any kind of sexual contact, and that worries me a little. I mean, it's been about 6 months since we stopped seeing each other. How long is this going to take?! Do I even want to want sex (etc)?
I have so many questions for myself... That will have to wait until school's done I guess.